Jennifer's Journal

Mixed episodes are…. complicated.

lil-neko:

But I was asked to try to explain it. I guess you have to understand the mania and melancholy of bipolar first.

Mania is…. pink. It’s a bubblegum, cotton candy, super intense pink, and it warms you up from the very core of you until it reaches the tips of your fingers and you’re charging with electricity. It’s like you’re flying over everything and nothing matters at all. You can go DAYS without eating or sleeping because you don’t need it. Your head is running at a million miles a minute and it won’t shut off, half the thoughts don’t even make sense, they’re just there. You become totally reckless. “Let’s go rock climbing! What classes? Fuck that, I got this.” Partying and drinking binges and sex, sex with ALL the things. You can’t control yourself but it’s okay because you don’t want to. You feel happy. You feel good. And anything is better than the depressions.

Those will kill you. You’re drowning. You can feel it in your chest like a weight. You’re inhaling so much pain and sadness that it’s filling your lungs and leaving no room for air. You’re exhausted, no matter how much sleep you get, you’re still too tired to get out of bed, nevermind function at any level of normalcy. It’s this cold, blue-grey, and it just kinda swallows you. You think way too much about everything in your life and it takes forever because it’s like your brain is trying to run through glue, each thought pulling and tugging trying to actually get processed but it just doesn’t completely. You feel completely alone, worthless, scared, and just fed up with being “sad”. But “Sad” doesn’t cover what you feel. You’re everything wrong with the world all at once.

Now, mixed episodes are those wrapped up and tied with a pretty bow. You’re hyper as anything and you can’t shut up and oh my god there’s soooooo many thoughts and you must go do EVERYTHING. You have that pink of mania with that reckless feeling and this sort of “this isn’t real” feeling. But you’re cold. You have that…. crushing feeling still in your gut. You have so many thoughts but they’re all fucked up and twisted and how you should die and how everyone should die and wouldn’t it be pretty if the whole world just died. You’re pink and blue and grey and white and everything you’ve ever felt swirling in the black hole chaos place. Your brain is literally poisoning itself with chemicals at this point and you can feel it.

This is where I get dangerous and scary. This is where I fall into wanting to cut and draw pretty pictures on my bedroom wall with the red paint and see how far I can get before I pass out. This is where I see how long I can go without eating just because it feels different to starve. This is where I stay up into 2am trying to figure out what would be the “prettiest way to die”.

So yeah…. that’s the best way I can describe it. Hopefully that helps. And to the girl who asked, if you think you’re feeling that way, go get checked out. Seriously. Bipolar is a bad thing to not get help for.

(via lil-neko-deactivated20120324)