Jennifer's Journal

superyuui:

I’m nervous. To me, nervous is nauseous and dizzy and that sharp ache in my fingers and toes, a weightlessness in my stomach and a tight pain in my heart as it pulses fast and strong in that dip under my jaw.

To me, nervous is sometimes a prelude to more: to panic that is white-hot and shivering and suffocating and too much.

Sometimes I am lucky and the nervousness is just nervousness, and the shivers and the pain and the nausea leave me alone after a little while.

Sometimes I am not so lucky and I am instead terrified: sometimes I spend hours on the bathroom floor in tears and sometimes I have to sit underneath desks or tables or lie on my side with my head propped up.

When I am actually ill, and the nausea is not just in my head but is actually tangible, I will wake up in the night and live my nightmares, paralysed in my bed and unable to even shout for help for fear of the sickness. If people get too close to me like this I will scream and I won’t mean to but the fear can become too much and staying still feels like the only thing between me and the toilet bowl so It’s all I do.

Usually I am fine, but I have had help now and can cope. Just be aware that panic attacks are serious, and are very real to the person feeling them.

Source: superyuui