Jennifer's Journal

Disassociation.

I’ve always believed to be in control of myself so much that when I realize that the way I was thinking at a particular time was due to my emotions and wasn’t a true perspective, I become a bit shocked at it. I think very deeply sometimes and I do become obsessive. I get obsessive episodes and they coincide with my need to gain a sense of contentment, of which, I’ve never really experienced in my life. Either I am trying to find myself and what my nature really is (which changes with my moods), or what my interests are (which changes with my moods) and where I’m going in life (which changes with my moods).

One thing that I can’t seem to control in the therapy sessions is my disassociation when I start talking about my parents. My mind has a way of suspending it all so that I have to try very, very hard to keep the sentence going. Last session I started talking about my Dad and how I felt after seeing him in town about 2 months ago. I started staring into the distance and found it very hard to remember what I was saying.

There’s a bad part of me which I’m shameful of though. I’m quite secretly pleased that this is a part of me that I can’t control because I get sympathy and concern from my therapist. I crave sympathy and concern but closeness is another matter. It confuses me because I want that attention and that look of ‘Oh gosh! She’s been through so much’. I want her to be shocked. I want her to be overwhelmed by the magnitude of my experiences. I feel bad about this. I feel bad because it’s a sort of attention seeking gimmick to me. We have discussed the subject and it was agreed that I simply have wanted my voice to be heard for so many years.

I just don’t want myself to turn into this attention-seeking brat that so many people can become to be when they have not received the attention they needed when they were a child. To me this is where a person can become manipulative, ugly in they’re personalities, cunning and all sorts of base things that I don’t want to become.

Source: mytherapyexperience